I've been pondering this lately......
When I first entered the poly lifestyle, I had a primary partner. We'll call him DS (for Devil Spawn). D.S. had dated someone a few years prior to us meeting (we'll call her M for monogamy) and then moved away. They were monogamous (duh). When I met D.S. he told me about M and said that they stayed in touch. D.S. and I eventually opened our relationship to others. On my side of things it went pretty smoothly. I began casually seeing someone I had seen in the past and who my merry-go-round occasionally stopped for.
D.S. began seeing a few people, and in addition he made plans for M to come for a visit. They planned to have her stay with him... for a month. This concerned me. I asked if I could introduce myself to her in email. D.S. was fine with that so I wrote to M. She was a total sweetheart and we stayed friends even after D.S. earned the name D.S.
M did possess some qualities that gave me pause, at least when I considered what she'd be walking into. I found her to be very fragile, very heart on her sleeve. She seemed like someone who might get hurt easily. She desperately wanted to please D.S. and be accepting of poly, even though she just didn't get it and secretly felt slighted that she wasn't "enough". In our conversations I got a sense that she was going to be really shaken by visiting D.S. and seeing him as a poly guy. She entertaining thoughts that they'd be together again in some fashion and that she might be O.K. with his current lifestyle.
I voiced my concerns to D.S. that bringing M here might be emotionally detrimental to her. We disagreed on that. Short story is that she came here. She did stay a month, and when she went home she needed anti-depressants and therapy for a long time. Many things factored into her spiral downward. Trying to handle a polyamorous relationship as a monogamously-wired person sped up this process though, and aided in her becoming very broken.
This was my entrance to poly. Although it really sucked at the time it taught me a lot. It taught me what I don't want. It taught me that a monogamously-wired person usually doesn't change. It also taught me that poly is as individual as a fingerprint. Just because I say I'm poly and I meet you and find out you're poly, that doesn't make us all that alike. Maybe walking into a poly situation such as was in place with D.S. was too jolting for M. Maybe she'd have handled something more subtle and less "in your face" more in a stride.
The qualities that I think are really important for those who practice poly relationships?
- Maturity (though I would call M mature).
- Emotional strength
- A strong sense of self
- Awareness of your weaknesses
- The ability to ask for what you need
- Honesty, both with yourself and with others
- Coping strategies for jealousy
- Able to feel compersion
So here's my short list. I'd love to hear from those who stop by my blog. What one quality do you find most vital for poly relationships? Feel free to share your experiences if you're moved to.
Good post and a good list. I think the only thing I would add is good communication skills. This is somewhat covered by "the ability to ask for what you need", but sometimes I think you also need to know what to ask the other person and how to do that well. I find in my own relationships (which tend to be with somewhat quiet partners) I sometimes need to reach out proactively and ask more specifically what is going on for them.
ReplyDeleteI agree that people who have been poly for a while should sort of mentor those who are newer. Maybe teach them to ask for what they need. However, I do think there should be a fading out of that. In my past I remember it getting exhausting after a while.
ReplyDeleteI guess for me, it's not so much an experience vs newbie thing, but an actual reluctance by some partners to share at times. Poly only works with the communication piece in place and sometimes that communication needs to involves both pushing and pulling. I do wish I could phase it out though.
ReplyDeleteI have a hard time with the reluctance to be communicative. To me, if that continues, that individual is less suited for poly than they'd like to convince themselves they are. Each of us is responsible for speaking up about our own needs. When one person feels like they need to speak up for more than themselves, the one speaking up might eventually resent that or become emotionally tapped out by it. Do you find that to be true for you?
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