My poly essay for my English Comp class

When One Is Not Enough

      For the majority of the population, monogamy is the only style of relationship they’ve seen, experienced, or desired, but there is another choice that a growing number of people have made. Polyamory can be a healthy, deeply satisfying, ethical alternative to monogamy and may be a more natural relationship style for many people who find monogamy to be difficult. Some people who have heard of polyamory mistakenly believe it is polygamy, a marriage between one man and several wives, or that its simply a promiscuous lifestyle. In addition to the variety of reasons that some people are non-monogamous, it makes sense from an anthropological standpoint. A healthy, non-monogamous lifestyle allows people to explore different facets of themselves, develop a strong sense of self, and find a close-knit community of others who value radical honesty.

     Polyamory, also called “ethical non-monogamy”, translates into the words “many

loves”, and means that a person has more than one romantic partner. Sometimes its easier to understand a concept by defining what it isn’t. Polyamory isn’t cheating, since its focus is on honesty and full disclosure, requiring all parties to be aware of and consenting to other relationships. Proponents of non-monogamy believe in loving, committed relationships, just as monogamous people do, but they don’t believe that relationships equate exclusivity or possession. (Humanist Poly) In our culture there are strong societal influences that inculcate Americans to be monogamous. People are taught that if there is something lacking in a current partner they need to end that relationship before partnering with someone new. This is called serial monogamy. Although non-monogamous behavior is prevalent among monogamous individuals, it generally isn’t discussed openly. Polyamory puts forth that people aren’t required to choose one relationship over another and this is never done in a secretive manner (Poly Ideology).

     Given how challenging a relationship with one person can be at times, polyamory begs the question, “Why do some people choose relationships that included more than one partner?” Many who are non-monogamous feel strongly that it isn’t realistic for one person to meet all of their needs. Some say they are simply not wired for monogamy and have failed when they try to be faithful to only one person. (Humanist Poly) A common refrain is that different partners awaken aspects of their personalities that might otherwise remain dormant, making participants feel well-rounded. Anthropologist Helen Fisher believes that evolutionarily, humans are programmed for serial pair-bonding, or serial monogamy, in which sexually faithful unions last approximately four years: just long enough for a child to be weaned from total dependence. ("Monogamy: Is It Natural?")           
     While some say that this lifestyle will have negative psychological effects, is destined for failure, or is impossible to maintain, the experiences of many polyamorists tell a different story. People who are in non-monogamous relationships learn to continuously negotiate, process, and analyze themselves and their relationships. They tend to have an ongoing, rational and democratic approach to solving problems such as feelings of jealousy or exclusion. They tend to find that stresses in relationships often arise because of individual issues that have not been properly examined or dealt with. Through intense self-examination and reflection they become skilled at uncovered problematic aspects of their psyche (Poly Ideology). Polyamorous ideology presupposes that emotions, such as jealousy, can be taken apart, their sources exposed, their manifestations understood, and ideally their wounds healed (This is my partner). It seems that polyamorous relationships have the capacity to help people to explore the different facets of themselves through very healthy methods.

     It is obvious that the goal of a polyamorous lifestyle isn’t superficial, promiscuous,

irresponsible sex. Non-monogamy attracts those who renounce conforming to societal

expectations of monogamy and believe in living authentically, according to their nature. They choose to live a non-monogamous life because they think it’s more realistic and satisfying to have their needs met by more than one person and because monogamy often fails for requiring one person to meet all of a needs of a partner. Advocates for polyamory value radical honesty, self-knowledge and self-possession. Its proponents come to a deeper understanding of themselves through the different ways they see themselves reflected in the eyes of other partners. Non-monogamy may not be for everyone, however, with monogamous relationships succeeding, on average, fifty percent of the time, many are choosing to open themselves and their relationships up to new possibilities.